Beating the Bulge

When I was younger, I was always super tiny... like skin and bones tiny.  I've suffered with body image since I was diagnosed as Anorexic at age 7... yep, 7yrs old.  I would refuse to eat, so much so that my mom would have to mix protein shakes for body builders into my chocolate milk to try and get me to gain some weight.  I come from a larger family, and my aunts would always tell me that if I ate, I would get fat. 

Fast forward to age 17... I am 4ft 11inches tall, and I weigh a whopping 70lbs.  I needed to get over this.  It was controlling my relationships (going out for dinner on dates?  I wouldn't even be the girl with the salad, I was the girl with water and lemon only). 

(Blurry pic of a pic... I am the one on the left... no boobs...yet)

Slowly, I overcame the BS in my mind, and realized that if I don't want to be anemic, have my hair falling out and look like shit, among other things, I need to beat this.

Age 21 hit and it was a lot of liquid calories, and I did start to pack on the pounds.  Being that I was always so thin, I never had to worry about what I ate or working out... so I didn't.

When my divorce came, I vowed I was going to be the "hot ex-wife"... unfortunately, all of my drinking and not caring about anything, including what I ate, hit me like a ton of bricks... at 5ft, I weighed in at my heaviest... 140lbs.  It sounds crazy to think that is heavy, but I am short... and yes, I have a chest (which is something I loathe...), but I was still overtly chubby (think I really beat the mindset of my disorder???). 

(Nevermind the delusional look on my face... bff is obsessed with pre-going on pics, I was over it, lol!)

 

(I can't belive I am posting this... this was 2yrs ago, right after the separation.  My sisters and I had my best friend, a photographer, take photos for our parents and grandparents.  Nothing likea slap in the face.

Obviously I am in the middle...gross)

I got sick in November and Jan of this past year, I couldn't keep anything down, and I didn't have an appetite, therefore I dropped quite a bit of weight.  It was my motivation that while I may never be supermodel thin, I don't have to settle with being uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know most women suffer with body image issues, and I am not saying that I have gotten over my fear of eating and being "fat" (ironically, I LOVE to cook... I love good food, I love feeding people, etc.  I just hate myself after the fact)... I think once you have an eating disorder, you always have an eating disorder.  It's a part of your mindset forever, and anything can trigger a relapse.

I've started hitting the gym... not as frequently as I would like though.  The elliptical is my BFF (after I dropped about 15lbs, I was re-measured at Victoria Secret for bras... 34DDDD... running is not an option), and I'm working to become more comfortable using the other equipment. 

(NYE... Sz 2... so freaking excited!)

I just need to find a rhythm for getting my lazy butt there.  I have my bag in the car at all times, but going to the gym after dinner is uncomfortable, and if we go before I feel all nasty being out...

Anyone else struggle with weight, or have any tips on what to do and how to get myself to the gym?


***If this post seems all over the place, I am not brushing over eating disorders, or making it seem like not a big deal, I am just giving my experience and my point of view.  I hope I don't offend anyone***

Being a "Big Girl"

I am going to start this by saying I am not going to make excuses for any of the following information. As someone who is going to be 27yrs old in less than a week (EEEEKKKK!!!)... I need to take full responsibility for my actions and decisions...

I have never been one to keep a solid budget, or really save money... which is sad.  My mom tried to get me to budget at a very young age, but it was so restrictive (for fear I would grow up with the money issues she and my dad constantly fought over, even though we were in no way poor), I just shrugged it off as my money, my choices.  I was never out of control, but I did run into some issues with my credit when I moved out at 19, and learned valuable lessons.
When I got married, I let him handle all of the finances.  There were occasional late payments, checks that forgot to be sent, innocent stuff.  Enter the world of online banking... and we were always on track, and my credit was amazing when he filed for divorce.
Great credit and a single lady brought tons of credit offers, etc my way.  Again, I wasn't out of control, more so reckless.  But my bills were always paid, and I had plenty of income coming in, so no worries on my financial front :)
Enter the economy issues and losing my job in 2010.  I had no income coming in for 3mos... which meant bills were getting juggled, and there were a couple not getting paid.  When I finally did start getting a paycheck in, it was a huge relief, but there was def some damage done to my credit I am sure (how much so I do not know, as I have been too scared to really pull a report, and there has been no need to).  But I stayed diligent, made sure the money was always there, and while I didn't have a savings built up any longer, I did enroll in online statement, banking and most of my bills are automatically withdrew from my account so I don't forget to pay something by mistake.  That is the worst feeling, when you have the money, and just forget to pay something... I HATE that!
So why did I just spill my financial woes and stupidity out to all of blog-land???  Because today I sat down and reorganized my filing cabinet.  I alphabetized everything, made nice looking labels and folders for everything and I am pretty proud of myself.  Here is the kicker though... I have a stack of unopened mail on my cabinet for a very very long time.  Remember how I said everything was done online for the most part???  Well, some companies still send me paper stmts, even though I never need to open them.  I do open all of my current bills that are new (mostly medical bills from the dreaded January 2011 procedure), but Verizon, State Farm, etc... not so much.  I had a 401k newsletter from 2008 that I just opened today... oops!  I def could tell I was getting sleepy, and bc the mail was so old, there were times I was easily confused by dates, and started freaking out... good thing I thought to take a second look before I called the second company who had sent me something official, back in 2010... jeesh!!!!  :)
So moral of the story... from now on, I am opening and filing all mail...STAT.  Not collecting it for a year and giving myself a heart attack for no reason!
Anyone else lazy about opening mail, or am I the only dense one out there?

Cutting Ties...

I'm kinda flighty... I am not going to lie.  There for a while I went through a really rough patch, and I was typically known as the "no-show"/"not returning phone call" chick.  It's my own fault, I created that reputation.   However, in the past 6mos or so, I have gone out of my way to be social, invite people out, and return all calls/txts/invitations, etc.  I can count on one hand the invites I have had to turn down, or wanted to turn down.
The other day I posted on my fb that I missed my friends.  And I meant it, I really do.   And the situation I put myself in has bitten me in the ass.  Now they have started not sending invites, not returning calls or txts, etc.  Part of the reason I hate fb is because it throws your friends socialness in your face... everyone posting on someone's wall about the awesome party, or upcoming weekend plans...and I haven't gotten an invite.  Infact, in the last 2 months, I can count on 3 hands the # of events I have not gotten invited to.
Yes, I know I created this myself in the past, but I have tried to be social: calling/txting/fbing people who I haven't talked to in a while, etc.  And while I know why I am no longer on the "friend invite" list, it still hurts... so much so that I just called J from work and told him we need new friends, and that I am contemplating deleting my old friends bc I am sick of getting my feelings hurt. 
Ugh... I hate being such a downer!!!

Long Day...

So I went to bed last night around 11:30pm, fuming (but that's another rant for another day), and fell asleep pretty soon after.  However, I was WIDE awake at 5am, like there is no closing my eyes again awake.  I suffer from insomnia pretty frequently, so I tried all the tricks in my little arsenal... NOTHING.  I don't have to be to work until 8:30a, so lets just say I was not a happy girl.
Finally, I get out of bed around 6 and get ready.  I arrived at work at 6:30a... 2hours early (and wouldn't you know I forgot to punch in on time... wth???).  I am all alone at work this week, so I am going to work on some massive projects.  I already have the office covered in pwk I am organizing and purging.
I don't mind being productive, I am sure I will feel great about everything I am getting done today.  However, I am sure that come about 2pm, I am going to shut down.  And I really wanted to go to the gym with J tonight, too.  We will see how this day goes!

Hope you all have a great day!

Crossing Burned Bridges

Ever had a friendship that just wouldn’t work out?  Or you realize that you have just grown so much apart, that no matter how much you miss someone, you just won’t be able to do the same things anymore?

When I was 19, I moved in with my bestfriend.  She and I had been best friends for 4yrs prior, and after graduation she bought her own place.  I moved in, and we lived together until I got married at 22.  It was rough at times, as living with people can be.  We were completely different sizes, so the clothing borrowing was never an issue, but we borrowed shampoo, and other beauty products.  Nothing that ever caused conflicts, just an annoyance at times.

She was the maid of honor in my wedding, we still did so much together.  She and my husband became very good friends also.  I started to get out of the partying thing, which all of my friends were still into.  J would still go hangout with everyone while I worked nights at times, then I would pick him up when I got out.  It never bothered me.  

When the divorce came to be, none of our friends picked sides.  He and I wanted everything to be as amicable as possible.  However, she chose, and she didn’t choose me.  J would go over there all the time, and hang out with the same group of people.  I was shattered.  I thought that no matter what happened, we would always be friends.  I understood being friends with J also, but I never thought I would get completely “dropped”.  I had other friends to lean on, but it wasn’t the same. 

 

Now that J and I are seeing each other again, I finally worked up the courage to go over there, after not hanging out for over 2yrs.  Right away, she wanted to do shots like we used to.  I got a pretty good buzz going, but it was awkward.  Then the drunk talk started.  Apologies, confessions, etc.  I had it.  I had to get out of there.  I had finally healed that part of my life, and even though I don’t hate her, it just won’t ever be the same.  I told J that I am all about occasional hanging out, but we will never be bff’s again.  

Yes, I miss her.  There were lots of times I could have used her support over the past 2 yrs, someone to talk to, someone to cry with.  But I found new friends.  People who are supportive no matter what I d, and I don’t have to worry about being dropped just bc I don’t have a boyfriend or husband.

Has this ever happened to you, ladies?

Messy Day...

I’m having a rough day.  I don’t like change, but I can usually adapt pretty well.  Today I just feel like a mess.  

J moved out of the condo today… the condo we bought together 5yrs ago this weekend.  I know that since we are looking at getting a place together in the next couple of months, I shouldn’t feel so… crappy.  This is good for us, a fresh start, a brand new start in a serious way.  I am so excited for this.  

But I can’t help but be sad at the same time.  Locking that door for the last time was so painful.  I made it though unloading my car, lunch and dropping him off without tears.  The minute I got off of his road… tears.  He is staying with his dad, I am officially back at home (I’ve never moved out or stopped paying rent here, I just wasn’t here much the past 4mos).  It’s so weird not being with him today.  I called him, just bc we were only apart for a couple of hours, but I miss him.  It’s so much different than 2yrs ago… we are apart, but not finished.

I just feel all over the place, and I know this is all over the place… if you can make sense of this, you are better than I am. 

Work

I thought I should give you all a little background on how my work environment has changed in the past year.  It is actually quite dramatic, but I am so much happier now!

At Old Job:

I managed the front desk team at one office, and I was the Assistant to the Clinic Administrator for 2 other offices.  I LOVED what I was doing at the time, but I didn’t really know how to delegate, so I was often burning the candle at both ends.  I was in charge of the A/R (collection, court, the whole nine yards), Scheduling, Phones and training, Insurance verification, filing, treatment planning, financial arrangements, supply ordering for the front desks, and meeting planning and staff training for the Front.  Then I was also sitting in on meetings for websites, phone book ads, accounting, etc.  It was a lot of work, and I thought I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I had 2 staff members directly under me, and I was mentoring the TL for the Front at the other office.  There are quite a few days I would work in my office from 8am to 6pm, and then drive to the other office to help troubleshoot problems, and I wouldn’t get home until after 8pm.  I was constantly bringing work home with me or in constant contact with someone at all hours of the night.  It was super stressful, I was overwhelmed, and I felt like a lot of times I was just going through the motions, trying to keep my head above water.  At the time I was there, there were a total of 16 women working there.  It was a big office!

New Job:

I work for a growing, but small, DME company.  We deal mostly with muscle stimulators (IFC, NMES, TENS units).  I am in charge of confirming addresses and insurance coverage, getting all information over to the Sales Reps who complete the order, then entering everyone into the inventory based on the serial number of their unit, creating charts, entering them into our claims system, tracking paperwork to make sure we get everything we need back and shipping the unit.  I then am the one who scans the charts, files all paperwork, cleans the office, and maintains simple office tasks like answering the phones and ordering supplies.  I stay busy at times, but I also find time when I do have a lot of down time. There are a total of 3 full time employees, 2 part time as of right now.  We are also looking at adding another person part time (sales rep), and a potential full time rep over in Oregon.  It super exciting to be a part of!

I really love what I do now.  A lot of the patients have given my bosses positive feedback about me, and I feel like I am doing a good job for the company.  I get to use some mgmt skills when it comes to dealing with certain situations and reps, but I don’t feel criticized for speaking up.  I come in at 8:30a, I leave at 4:30pm, and I don’t have to take work home with me.  I miss the people I worked with previously, and some of the tasks, but at the place I was in, there was no way I could keep juggling what I was doing before.  Something in my life had to give. 

I am sure there will be a lot to talk about this week... one of the sales reps is on vacation, so I am covering her orders.  She is like a little tornado, so it is going to be interesting to take care of her clients, etc!

Very Busy Week!

This week has been super busy with packing and moving... but I will go on about that later...
I promise I will be around to catch up very soon :)