Beating the Bulge

When I was younger, I was always super tiny... like skin and bones tiny.  I've suffered with body image since I was diagnosed as Anorexic at age 7... yep, 7yrs old.  I would refuse to eat, so much so that my mom would have to mix protein shakes for body builders into my chocolate milk to try and get me to gain some weight.  I come from a larger family, and my aunts would always tell me that if I ate, I would get fat. 

Fast forward to age 17... I am 4ft 11inches tall, and I weigh a whopping 70lbs.  I needed to get over this.  It was controlling my relationships (going out for dinner on dates?  I wouldn't even be the girl with the salad, I was the girl with water and lemon only). 

(Blurry pic of a pic... I am the one on the left... no boobs...yet)

Slowly, I overcame the BS in my mind, and realized that if I don't want to be anemic, have my hair falling out and look like shit, among other things, I need to beat this.

Age 21 hit and it was a lot of liquid calories, and I did start to pack on the pounds.  Being that I was always so thin, I never had to worry about what I ate or working out... so I didn't.

When my divorce came, I vowed I was going to be the "hot ex-wife"... unfortunately, all of my drinking and not caring about anything, including what I ate, hit me like a ton of bricks... at 5ft, I weighed in at my heaviest... 140lbs.  It sounds crazy to think that is heavy, but I am short... and yes, I have a chest (which is something I loathe...), but I was still overtly chubby (think I really beat the mindset of my disorder???). 

(Nevermind the delusional look on my face... bff is obsessed with pre-going on pics, I was over it, lol!)

 

(I can't belive I am posting this... this was 2yrs ago, right after the separation.  My sisters and I had my best friend, a photographer, take photos for our parents and grandparents.  Nothing likea slap in the face.

Obviously I am in the middle...gross)

I got sick in November and Jan of this past year, I couldn't keep anything down, and I didn't have an appetite, therefore I dropped quite a bit of weight.  It was my motivation that while I may never be supermodel thin, I don't have to settle with being uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know most women suffer with body image issues, and I am not saying that I have gotten over my fear of eating and being "fat" (ironically, I LOVE to cook... I love good food, I love feeding people, etc.  I just hate myself after the fact)... I think once you have an eating disorder, you always have an eating disorder.  It's a part of your mindset forever, and anything can trigger a relapse.

I've started hitting the gym... not as frequently as I would like though.  The elliptical is my BFF (after I dropped about 15lbs, I was re-measured at Victoria Secret for bras... 34DDDD... running is not an option), and I'm working to become more comfortable using the other equipment. 

(NYE... Sz 2... so freaking excited!)

I just need to find a rhythm for getting my lazy butt there.  I have my bag in the car at all times, but going to the gym after dinner is uncomfortable, and if we go before I feel all nasty being out...

Anyone else struggle with weight, or have any tips on what to do and how to get myself to the gym?


***If this post seems all over the place, I am not brushing over eating disorders, or making it seem like not a big deal, I am just giving my experience and my point of view.  I hope I don't offend anyone***